Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Wonderful Moments!!
Sorry it's been so long since I've updated everyone but things have definitely been hoppin around here. Today they decided to try Tucker on the conventional ventilator to see how he'd do...and he did pretty well actually. He did give us some scares with some pretty serious de-sats, but most of them were caused by his wiggling or just getting mad for one reason or another. My Mom, Danny and I rushed over to the hospital because I was determined to hold him before they put him back on the high frequency (because that seems to have been our luck). I waited all day and they kept saying well if he can stay stable for an hour then you can (they obviously had never met my son before!!) Finally, I looked at his nurse Rebecca and I just said please, I need to hold him because I'm almost positive they're going to put him back on the oscilator, and I couldn't help but cry thinking about it. I think she knew I was desperate so she talked to the charge nurse and Christina the respiratory therapist (who is wonderful!!!) and they agreed that we could do it once they had given him more morphine and a dose of ativan. Everyone was nervous (including me) because he had just been so up and down...but they were willing to try and I love them so much for it! He did de-sat as they got him ready and moved him to me, but once I was holding him he calmed down a lot. At first I just cradled him like you would any baby, (and he gave me such big smiles!!!) but I could tell he wasn't totally comfortable, so I talked them into letting me hold him in the Kangaroo position, which is skin to skin upright on your chest. THE BEST FEELING A MOTHER CAN HAVE!!! Once he got there, he pretty much stopped having de-sats...he would have little ones here and there but not as significant as they had been. There are absolutely no words to describe how it feels to hold a baby you thought for sure you were going to lose (on more than one occassion), I don't think any feeling will ever top it. To feel his little body and know that for once I was the one person who could give him comfort and could tell almost exactly what was going on with him is something I wish everyone could feel...not for these reasons though! Holding him makes everything we've gone through seem so small...it's such a huge accomplishment for him, and it feels wonderful for both of us, at least it seems to for him. He felt completely relaxed and calm, and even when he'd start to tense up I'd take his little hand and just kiss his little head and talk to him and it seemed to help, and there is nothing that tops that feeling. He is such a little wonder...he is the true meaning of strength, anyone who has seen what he's been through will agree I think. He continues to prove the doctors wrong...everyone assumed his blood gas would be horrible tonight because of all of his bad episodes, and yet it was a pretty good one, and that's all I can ask for. He has made me so proud, and I know that no matter what happens God has wonderful things planned for him! He is a true miracle and his will to fight and live is something I never thought I'd be privilieged enough to see. He has made my life so bright and wonderful, it's a feeling I'll never be able to describe. We are so lucky to have such wonderful nurses, doctors and respiratory therapists working with him, who are willing to do this for us...they will forever be in our hearts!!!
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Oh Audra - I am tearing up as I type this. I am so happy for you... good for you for fighting to hold your little one. He obviously loved it. I love the pictures and those will become milestones to look back on to see how far he has come. God is good and will continue to bless you and Tucker.
You are doing it... are are Tucker's Mommy and he knows it! YOu are his advocate and you know best that holding him would help and it did.
Thanks for the update and letting me be a part of his journey. When he comes home, I would love to meet you and Tucker!
Keep up the strength, you are an amazing person.
Aimee
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