Hard Days

Yesterday was one of the worst days we've had with Tucker, I called the hospital around 10 am and they told me he was on 100 percent oxygen and his oxygen saturation was that great...so we rushed to the hospital and what we found was that he was saturating in the 50s and 60s which is horrible, they switched him around on ventilators and added nitric oxide and his saturation went way up. Then they found that he had an infection in his blood stream, and that he might have a pneumonia. He had two hours worth of milk in his tummy that was un-digested which isn't good at all, so they pulled it all out. He started getting a little better with all the changes and the anti-biotics, so we felt comfortable going home. I just called today and his nurse told me that they think he might be having seizures, he stiffens up and his heart rate and blood pressure zoom up and then when he relaxes he de-sats. They're doing an EEG right now to check his brain, and they're afraid the infection may have gone to his spinal fluid and turned into a type of meningitis, so they're going to do a Lumbar puncture (spinal tap) to check, if he can tolerate it.

I thought when I walked in yesterday that he was dead or dying, and now I don't know what to think about today, I thought by last night they probably had the infection under control because he seemed to be acting a little better. When we first got there he would kind of squeeze my finger but he wasn't moving or opening his eyes, by the time we left he was opening his eyes a little bit and moving a little bit. I don't know what's going to happen today, I really don't want them to do the Lumbar puncture, it scares me so much, but I know if they don't it could kill him. I'm worried about the long term effects of these kind of infections and just everything really...and I don't even know if he'll make it through all of this. And through it all I just want to hold him and comfort him and make him better and there's absolutely nothing I can do and it just tears me apart to know that. I'm so afraid the next time I hold him won't be because he's doing well...and that scares me because I'm not ready to let go of him yet, to lose him. I know that whatever God decides is for the best, and I will cherish every second I've had with him but I'm not ready. I just wanted so badly for everything to go perfectly for him, to get him to where I could hold him all the time and let him know how much I love him, and how much faith I have in him. I just don't know what God wants or what he's going to do...I pray that he'll let me be his Mommy and take him home and do all the things little boys are supposed to do. I just don't know....I am so lucky to have had as much time with him as I have, and to have gotten to hold him. I am thankful for that everyday...and I pray that he'll get through this and we'll take him home and be a family. I don't doubt Tucker, I know he's a fighter and he's tough, but I'm worried that this might be more than he can fight back against. We're about to head to the hospital...I'll write more later.