Another update on our little one...

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update everyone but the last few days have been up and down. Sunday night Tucker had a bad night and by Monday morning they did an x-ray which showed that the high frequency ventilator he was on was really irritating and scarring his lungs...which freaked me out of course. The doctor said this is expected with preemies, especially ones as little as he is. So they moved him onto a jet ventilator, which is much gentler on his lungs, with the same amount if not a little less pressure to keep them open. The upper lobe of his right lung had collapsed a little bit and when they put him on his back, it helped to open it up and keep it open. We're really happy about that!! Because he's on the jet now they can't move him back to John Muir, they don't have this kind of machine there, and he's not stable enough to be moved. They're guessing he'll be at Children's for at least a month if not longer. A little sad about that. He's not tolerating being touched as well...but they encourage us to let him find our hands, because even though it does make his oxygen saturation drop a little bit, he needs to have some stimulation, I'm guessing this will help the development of his nervous system? Or at least let him know he's not alone. I don't know why but I love touching his little feet so it makes me very happy. They didn't know why he was having such a bad night on Sunday, they were worried he had a bacterial infection (we're still waiting for word on that) or that he needed another transfusion. His hemoglobin must have been low because they gave him the transfusion and he's been doing much better since. He had a good night last night and a good day today. They've been feeding him through the tube that is in his throat that goes to his stomach and they started him out at 1 cc every 6 hours, and today they bumped it up to 2 cc every 3 hours because he's been doing so well with it. He had a bowel movement which is gross I know sorry, but very exciting because it means his little organs are handling the feedings really well!!

I'm ashamed to admit it but I haven't been holding up as well as I think I should. It kills me to not be able to hold him and it scares me to think that he doesn't know I'm his Mommy. He's started to try to cry, and you can tell by the look on his face that he would be crying if not for the tubes in his throat. That, I think is the hardest thing, because as a Mommy you just want to hold your baby and comfort them when they cry, and not being able to kills me. Touching him lately has made his oxygen saturation drop just because his nervous system is so premature that it's literally the same as someone coming out of nowhere and grabbing you. It's hard to just sit there and look at him, it kills me and I know I have to be strong for him but honestly sometimes I just want to break down and cry, and I do. My OB wasn't surprised when I was telling him all of this, I guess it's something that happens with a lot of mom's who's little ones are in the NICU...it's something I'm dealing with and I know it'll get better and worse...and I'm hoping that by posting it maybe I'll be able to help someone else out there. And sometimes it's just nice to get it all out of your system. I'm trying my hardest to be strong but I don't want everyone to think I'm not struggling...I am, I'm human and this happens. I want to say again to everyone who is following along with everything that we're going through thank you. Your support is what helps keep me going...it's wonderful to have friends as supportive and caring as all of you...I will never be able to show all of my gratitude. You are wonderful and I thank you all so much. I'll try to stay on top of updating everyone.